


i just need to know

by CurriedSugar



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Isaac Beamer Versus the Supernatural (Undertale), Eating Disorders, Gen, Inspired by a conversation on Discord, Purging, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26437342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurriedSugar/pseuds/CurriedSugar
Summary: Drew just wants to know.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	i just need to know

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this was inspired by a conversation me and one of my datemates had a real long time ago! We were talking about Drew having an eating disorder, and how that would happen, which inspired this fic.
> 
> The song is Not an Addict by K's Choice, I didn't write the full song, but it's a very good one nonetheless!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

**Breathe it in and breathe it out**

**Pass it on, it’s almost out**

Drew took another deep, shaky breath. The puke in the toilet had a strong, sour smell, and for some strange reason reminded him of fermented spaghetti sauce. It made him want to throw up again, and he did; barely anything came up. 

His stomach was empty once again.

Drew wiped his mouth on his sleeve, panting softly. His throat hurt and burned, probably from Drew making himself throw up. Purging, he heard that was what it was called. He didn’t like doing it, but Nevin had forced him to eat dinner. Why did it have to be lasagna tonight. A single serving was 600 calories. Add the slice of garlic bread Nevin had put on his plate and the whole meal was 750 calories.

Who could stand to eat so many calories in one sitting? Not Drew, that was for sure.

He flushed the toilet, quickly exiting the bathroom and heading to his own room. He felt ecstatic. He didn’t like purging, but for some reason, he got so euphoric afterwards. Maybe it was because he could eat and not have to worry about gaining weight?

**We’re so creative, so much more**

**We’re high above but on the floor**

Drew closes the door behind him, lying down on the floor. He doesn’t start doing any pushups or situps or any kind of exercise, but he does slip his hand under the bed, reaching for the notebook he keeps hidden under there. He wouldn’t usually hide things from Nevin, he didn’t want to be as secretive as his brother. But he knew that Nevin would be concerned if he found this, and ask questions.

Drew didn’t want that. And so he hid it.

He grabbed a pen, taking off the cap. He wrote down the calories from dinner, and then PURGED down under it, in big capital letters. Today’s calories consumed would still be the same now. Drew smiled widely, shutting the notebook and shoving it under the bed.

He felt so high; not in the sense that he was on some sort of substance of drug, but more of a euphoric high. He couldn’t explain why, but the restriction and the hunger and all the  _ control  _ felt so, so good, better than anything he had experienced in his life. Sure, people would probably say what he was doing was unhealthy, that he should be eating more, not less, but all Drew cared about was the knowledge.

**It’s not a habit, it’s cool, I feel alive**

**If you don’t have it you’re on the other side**

Nevin didn’t tell him anything. He kept so many secrets, and he never told the truth. He kept feeding Drew lie after lie after lie, and it made Drew want to scream. There was mistrust and secrecy and tension in the air, and it felt suffocating, knowing that he barely knew anything that Nevin did.

But when he restricted the amount of calories he ate in a day? When he fasted for days on end, only water or juice passing his lips as his stomach gnawed away at itself, and he felt as if he would faint if he stood up too fast? It made him feel alive, knowing that he knew everything. He knew every single thing about what he was eating and when, how many calories it was, and he loved it. And the fact that people were complimenting his appearance was just a bonus.

And he’d keep it up.

**The deeper you stick it in your vein**

**The deeper the thoughts, there’s no more pain**

Drew’s alarm rang, signaling that the morning had come once again. 

He blinked awake, groaning as he opened his eyes. His body felt as if it were made of lead, his vision was fuzzy, and his head was fogged over. He rubbed his face with his bony hands, grumbling. God, he hated mornings.

But then again, who didn’t?

Drew pretty much fell out of bed, hitting the floor with a loud thud. He grunted, slowly getting to his feet as he stumbled to the bathroom. There was a damp towel hanging up on the towel rack, which Nevin had probably used to dry his hair. Drew sighed quietly, stripping down to his boxers, throwing his nightclothes aside. He quickly stepped on the scale, watching as it turned on, waiting for the number to show.

102.4 pounds.

He sighed again, getting off the scale. He’d  _ gained  _ weight. Sure, it was only four tenths of a pound, but still! Had some of the lasagna digested already? Did he miscount something that he had eaten? 

Was he losing control?

Drew shook his head. No. No, he wasn’t losing control. This was just a small bump in the road, that was all. He’d just have to be more careful. He’d start by cutting his usual calorie intake, for starters.

It was settled. Only 400 calories today. A hundred calories less.

That seemed doable, didn’t it?

**I’m in heaven, I’m a god**

**I’m everywhere, I feel so hot**

He went through his day, as usual.

Nevin had made breakfast, but luckily it was only scrambled eggs and toast. Drew took a small serving, with the excuse that his stomach wasn’t feeling too great at the moment to eat much more. Luckily Nevin bought it, though he did have a concerned look on his face.

Drew left early, taking the long way to school. He did a bit of light jogging on the way, trying to burn the calories he’d had just before. He was all sweaty and panting heavily by the time he got to school, but he was satisfied, knowing that he’d gotten to burn at  _ least  _ an estimated 300 calories before school.

He went to his morning classes. Nothing eventful happened there, so he scrolled through low-calorie recipes on his phone when the teachers weren’t looking. He saved a few.

Lunch soon came, and his stomach growled. Breakfast seemed so far away now. Despite his loud stomach, he avoided the cafeteria, instead buying a bottle of water from the vending machine. He sipped it as he sat on a bench outside, getting some of his work done early.

The bell rang at the end of the lunch period, and Drew went to class. After school, he went to a friend’s house to work on a project. Luckily, they didn’t have much to do.

Drew stayed for a while, just hanging out until he had to go home. He was offered a ride, but he declined, saying that his house wasn’t far, and that he wouldn’t mind walking.

The former was such a lie.

Drew ran all the way home, out of breath and sweaty by the time he arrived home. He went straight up to his room, collapsing on his bed.

He felt exhausted, yet he felt like taking on  _ anything. _

**It’s not a habit, it’s cool, I feel alive**

**If you don’t have it you’re on the other side**

Before he knew it, there was a sharp knocking on his bedroom door.

Drew sat up, grumbling and rubbing his head. Had he fallen asleep? He didn’t remember passing out. He must have been more tired than he thought.

“Who is it?” he asked, slurring his words a little, still a bit groggy. He blinked crumbs of sleep out of his eyes. How long had he been out for?

His door opened, and Nevin’s head popped in. “Just me.”

“Oh… hey, Nev.” He stretched a little bit, some of the smaller boy’s bones cracking and popping. “What’s up?”

“It’s dinnertime,” Nevin replied, blowing a little bit of hair out of his eyes. “Abuela wanted me to come and get you.”

He had to eat dinner again?! But he had been doing so well with staying under his limit! And God only knew what sort of calorie-loaded dishes would be served tonight.

“Oh, just eat without me,” Drew shrugged, leaning back. “I’m not hungry.”

“You gotta eat dinner, Drew,” Nevin sighed, nose wrinkling in worry. “I didn’t see you at all in the cafeteria at lunch.”

“I had a lot of snacks earlier,” Drew lied. “I don’t think I can have anything else to eat tonight, sorry.”

He could feel his heart pounding in his chest like a drum, hoping, no,  _ praying  _ that Nevin would believe him. He couldn’t stand the thought of having to eat another calorie-loaded meal, he just couldn’t!

Nevin glanced at his brother for a long while before sighing. “Okay. It’s just… I’m worried about you, Drew.”

**I’m not an addict, maybe that’s a lie**

“Worried?” Drew repeated. “What do you mean?”

Nevin was silent for a long time, his eyes glazing over as he grew lost in thought, hesitating before he sighed again. “It’s… don’t worry about it.”

Drew tried to say something back, but Nevin had already left, leaving Drew to be alone with his thoughts.

**It’s over now, I’m cold, alone**

**I’m just a person on my own**

Drew stared at the door for a long time after Nevin left, thoughts buzzing through his head. So, so much was going on in his head, but at the same time, he felt as if he couldn’t think at all.

He couldn’t pin down one thought and focus on it. It was like a bunch of ping pong balls were ricocheting through his mind, and he couldn’t grab them. It was crazy.

Drew eventually gave up, and flopped down on his pillow, wrapping himself up in his blanket. He felt oddly cold for some reason. He traced his mattress with a bony finger, his eyes glazing over. He didn’t mean to, but his mind flashed back to the talk he had had with Nevin just moments ago.

**Nothing means a thing to me**

**Oh, nothing means a thing to me**

Nevin had said not to worry about it, like it was nothing important, but Drew  _ knew  _ it had to be something important, something important that Nevin wouldn’t tell him. God damn it, why did Nevin had to be so secretive all the time? It was as if he didn’t trust Drew at all.

“You don’t understand, do you?” Drew said out loud, to nobody in particular. “You always say, ‘it’s nothing important, don’t worry about it’, but all you do is make me worry  _ more _ , for fuck’s sake!”

Tears pricked at the young boy’s eyes as he squeezed them shut. He felt like he wanted to scream until his voice was hoarse. Drew loved Nevin, he really did, but Nevin was just so frustrating to deal with.

Before Drew knew it, he had slipped into a restless sleep.

**It’s not a habit, it’s cool, I feel alive**

**If you don’t have it you’re on the other side**

**I’m not an addict**

He had a nightmare.

He was trying to talk to Nevin about something really important, but Nevin kept avoiding the subject, kept changing the topic to something else totally unrelated. Drew grew more and more frustrated, more and more angry.

Finally, he snapped. Started screaming at Nevin at the top of his lungs. He yelled and yelled and yelled until his voice was gone. And when he looked again, Nevin was gone.

And then he was falling and falling and falling, until he hit the floor and shattered into glass, as if he was made of porcelain.

Drew only gasped as he woke.

**It is not a habit**

**It is cool, I feel alive, I feel**

He laid there, his head hurting, silent tears streaming down his face. He placed his hands on his face, forcing himself to breathe. In, out. In, out. In. And out.

“God,” Drew said flatly. “God.”

He balled his hands into fists, his nails digging into his palms. He surely wanted to scream.

**It is not a habit**

**It is cool, I feel alive**

He laid there for the rest of the night.

He didn’t feel well, he told his grandmother. She told him to take it easy, and to call her if he needed anything. Nevin came in, bringing Drew some warm tea and toast.

“Try to eat,” Nevin said. “It’ll make you feel better.”

“Not hungry,” he muttered, taking the tea. He sipped it, staring at the look on Nevin’s face. It was laced with concern and something rather melancholy.

He quietly threw out the toast once Nevin left. Might as well get away with not eating anything.

Drew glanced out the window, his stomach gurgling. It was surely eating itself.

At least he knew why.


End file.
